I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
