I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
