i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
