put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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