see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
