When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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