I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you traded sex for a burrito?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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