I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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