I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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