I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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