Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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