mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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