Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
