Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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