So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
