shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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