Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
