dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
