The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize