I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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