I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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