your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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