If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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