I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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