Are we in a gay sports bar?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And then my night got REAL pukey
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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