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The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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