i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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