My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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