and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
