My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
