I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
