She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
