I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
