i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
