Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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