is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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