omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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