Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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