and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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