I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
