if i can run in heels then i can drive
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
