last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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