He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
