Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
