did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
