Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize