I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
