i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
