is your mom at the bar?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
