ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
