I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
