you traded sex for a burrito?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
