I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
