I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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