my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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