remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
