he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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