I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
