How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
