i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
