listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
