we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
