I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
