this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
