how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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