I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
