i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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