my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
