my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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