there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This is classic penis vs brain.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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